The Grit

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 20:22:29 GMT

I think I'm taking a break from LJ for an indefinite period of time. Although, it's a good outlet, I feel like it can prevent 'actual' communication between people or people that we need to face and not in a blog.

Too much stuff I kept to myself when I should have been talking to S - not a computer.

could it be?

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 00:24:05 GMT

Perhaps the timing isn't so off.

I could love her someday.

I really could. I wasn't sure I'd say those words again - about someone else.

I miss my mama but I know she's watching over me with every bit of love that she could give.

murphy's law

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 16:02:32 GMT

With the likelihood of Boston in my future, she of course had to come along right now. For once, I wish timing were on my side.

Literal translation of previous entry:

Fri, 30 Dec 2005 19:47:42 GMT

I really fucking hate myself for being such an evil bitch to you. No one's penis or company is worth the hell I've felt over the last two years.

I've tried so hard to become a better person but I feel like it doesn't get me anywhere. I'm completely devastated that you won't talk to me, or that you won't even talk to me long enough for me to just say "I'm so sorry."
I'm sickened by the fact that I'm a memory which I doubt you visit often and if you do it's during times that I'd rather you not remember me. I feel nothing but grief when I think ahead about a life that you're no part of. I feel regret when I think that you'll be spending what was once our anniversary with someone else.

If I'd only stopped and thought about you and what we had, it never would have been this way. Yet it is and it has left me feeling emotionally and physically demolished.

Some days are better than others but I feel like no matter what I still carry the memory of you with me.

S

Fri, 30 Dec 2005 19:23:43 GMT

Dear S,

Happy (what would have been) 7th year anniversary (tomorrow)! If only I could do it all over again and do it right this time.

I'm sorry again and again....

Sometimes I wonder if you'll ever know that. I wonder if you'll ever see that I've changed because of how I treated you (for the better). Sometimes I wonder if you even care anymore. And sometimes, despite all this time, I can't believe you won't be in my future.

With much love and sorrow,

suz

so close to being done.

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 16:41:58 GMT

Low lyrics by REM:

Dusk is dawn is day
Where did it go?
I've been laughing
Fast and slow
Moving in a still frame
Howling at the moon
Morning found me laughing
Up and down, down
Low low low
Night suits me fine
and morning suits me fine
I've been so happy
Way up high, high
In between
Down below
Low low low

I skipped the part about love
It seems so silly and low
Low low low
Low low low

I said the morning
It isn't your time
Barefoot naked
I can see your lines
It doesn't bother me
That you are right
Your grass is grassy wet
Your light white is bright
Light white light

I skipped the part about love
It seems so shallow and low
Low low low
Low low low

You and me
We know about time
We know how things go
They come and go
They live and grow
They pass and go
And glow and glow
Up and down
High and low
Low low low
Low low low

I skipped the part about love
It seems so silly and low
I skipped the part about love
It seems so shallow and low
Low low low
Low low low

I like your hands
All full of glory
All full of glory

Shoot me....Just shoot me!!

Wed, 14 Dec 2005 21:43:45 GMT

The swell girl of which I spoke has decided to reunite with an old flame.

Yup! Welcome to reality....

dear abby...

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 17:49:21 GMT

Accepting advice on getting to know someone slowly, especially with my neurotic, Woody Allen temperment. Don't want to lose her out of anxiousness....advise away!!

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 17:47:04 GMT

this office is so fucking cold!!

I-94

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 17:04:45 GMT

driving in detroit at it's finest....

I-94: a poem

i'm driving on 94 to work....
a highway decorated with orange signage
to fill my time i sometimes i think about boys i like
painters, students, engineers, med students
some say "suz the last one was such a jerk"
but how can i not defend that cute smirk?
then a thought or two about my ex
before she went berzerk
but my goodness she had so much quirk

merge left
merge right
one lane
two lanes
three lanes
a melody of honking in my ears

sometimes i flip stations on the radio
NPR...no no no....Judy Adams is such a bore
drew and mike talk about the football game score
stern brings in another whore
89X, now sometimes they make me roar
but anything to avoid news about the war

merge left
merge right
one lane
two lanes
three lanes
a melody of honking in my ears

>sometimes i think of the day ahead

house fires, suspected abuse, failure to thrive
it makes me wonder why i don't usually mind this drive
maybe my job makes me feel more alive

merge left
merge right
one lane
two lanes
three lanes
a melody of honking in my ears

and then there are days like today
my head fills with thoughts of manslaughter, suicide, homicide
my foot on the brake...it never seems to leave
my car does a dance called the lane weave
this traffic is so impossible, there's nothing left to believe

Fri, 09 Dec 2005 19:53:32 GMT

Ah yes kids, it has finally happened...sore throat, achey, ear ache. I didn't think I could avoid it since I'm surrounded by children with the sniffles and the flu. I'm hoping it's a minor cold and not some strain of the flu. I've been drinking OJ like it's going out of style. I am supposed to have dinner with my friend, the doctor, you know the one that looks better with the glasses on. However, what I'd prefer tonight is hot tea and rest or just hanging at SH's house.

I believe that I may have met a swell girl. It's way too early to be certain, but at this point I'm pretty delighted. And YES, she's actually gay! And even better, she loves eyeglasses and owns more than one pair. Heavenly!

I'm trying to take it slooooooooooooooowwww, but I definitely dig her!

Back to work.

Fri, 02 Dec 2005 05:03:41 GMT

The librarian boy is out....Great on paper but not so much in person. Boys in their thirties who live with their mother's, well do I really need to say more? I can let it go a bit more easily if it's out of financial hardship, but having the income to live out of the parent's home and choosing to stay anway is what I can't comprehend.

Anyway, a new interest has come about. I'll see how it goes for a bit before I spill too many details. Don't want to jinx it just yet. Or at all.

I'm a sleepy head and must get some rest.

who really knows?

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 20:52:11 GMT

I would like to thank my med student friend for this (or not). If you don't fall into an age bracket that understands this, consider yourself lucky.

Anniversary Reaction

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 18:13:27 GMT

All my life this has been my absolute favorite time of year. All the smells, sounds, sights, tastes, everything. It feels so warm and inviting, despite the snow outside.

The last two years, I would have preferred digging a hole and burying myself in it until January 2nd. It's at these times, and really only at these times, that I wish I actually enjoyed being with my family. Or at least I wish I had someone to come home to after being with them.

To make matters worse, new boy of interest is having doubts about the whole "you like girls too" factor. And I thought missing a leg might be an obstacle in any of my potential relationships! I'm not sure what I can do in the way of easing his worries other than just sticking around.

dizzy

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 20:20:48 GMT

whoa!

what time is it?

slap!

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 17:59:07 GMT

Maybe it's denial but I'd prefer to call it self-preservation, or even better, just moving on and being happy for someone you love(d). When I first heard the news of S and her gf it was a real shock, if for no other reason because of the cirumstances of their meeting. Within a few days, it had sort of floated to the back of my mind. It would come up now and again, but it's was sort of an abstract thought that I didn't dwell on.

More recently, the dreams about them being together have started and they feel very real. I seriously feel like I've been punched in the face when I wake up. I don't know if it's the trip to Boston, my general dissatisfaction with my plan to move, or what, but suddenly it's in my face. It's like I wake up and realize that it is real and that I've been ousted...or that I set it up so I would be ousted. Because it seems like reality and it's so yucky it sticks in my head during the hours I'm awake now.

I think what so much of it is also is that I feel so inferior compared to the now gf. I don't ride bikes, I can't hike forever, I don't make enough money, I'm not as smart or as sophisticated and on and on. That's the part that hurts the most. Knowing that I look like shit in comparison and believing that I am. I don't mean to sound like "poor me" but really, how is it not true? It is what it is and it stings like hell.

It leaves me feeling a bit sick and a lot sad. Once again, I'm pissed off at myself for being so stupid.

New Boy Alert!

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 18:21:05 GMT

39 year old male

librarian

geek

many similar interests, but not so similar that we'd bore each other

intelligent

shy

eyeglass...of course

funny

nice...so far

responsive

so one might ask, "what's eating at you?" truthfully, i'm scared to death about really trusting myself again. a friend suggested that i put out S's photo and look at it in those times of temptation. at the age of 32 i still sometimes feel like i deal with stuff that could be taken from an entry of "Are You There God? It's Me Margaret." i haven't even really started seeing this boy but i just get the feeling i could do some harm if i don't watch myself.

i don't want to be that girl anymore, the girl who caused so much unnecessary pain, but sometimes it's so easy to slip into frame of mind. in the big picture, i want stability, a person who loves me, equally, all that good stuff. but then i get scared, like i'm missing out on someone or someplace. and if that person or place becomes available, i still don't know if i can keep it together. perhaps i'm just having exaggerated normal fears, but after all this time of feeling bad shouldn't i never have to think about this stuff again? for the first time in two years, i might have met someone pretty fabulous who maybe thinks i'm a cool gal, yet i am already worried.

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 18:37:08 GMT

Just got some news from Boston...not so good. I'm not surprised, but that little shred of hope was there.

Perservere.

Any time now.

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 18:28:47 GMT

Work has become tainted by interpersonal/romantic relationships. Not my own thank god! It has made advocating for my patients very difficult in certain situations. Not to mention, the change in leadership is quite a headache as well. I love my job so I hope this isn't the beginning of something ugly.

Sadness for Boston. Sadness for not feeling refined enough to fit in there.

Sadness for S. The dreams have been on and off. Now they aren't make up dreams. They're more like "in your face" dreams. The general theme: S and gf are saying "See what you lost?"

Frustration about the holidays and all that comes with them.

Frustration also about lack of money. Where the hell does it all go?

And uncertainty about so many other things.

I'm ready for the good stuff.

...any time now.

holiday parties

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 17:37:20 GMT

Just to add to the required familial stress of the holidays is the havoc that has been created by our work Christmas party....

Who to ask? Hoodie boy is interviewing in NYC but wanted to go. Prosthesis man will be out of town, yet again. The boy...well, could be awkward, not to mention the gf might not be thrilled about the idea.

This leaves my separated at birth gay brother...maybe.

I would just go by myself but hoodie boy was going to go but had to cancel, so I've paid for two and now I feel some bizarre pressure to show up with a guest and play happy hetero girl for the night.

Sigh...

post-Boston-ness

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 18:46:19 GMT

God save me from the Harvard bitches!!! Or shall I say, "the ladies who lunch" (as my best friend puts it)? When I entered the room for one of my interviews to see thirteen very white (aside from the token Asian), very Harvard-ish, very snotty, elitest women staring at me, I about died. Fortunately, I kept my cool, but I'm a little too D-town for that crowd. The other interview was decent, but I think I'm done with the Harvard crowd.

Yesterday, was a horribly painful day. I had the Harvard interview in the morning and my flight was scheduled to leave at 6:00 pm. I spent much of the day, just bummin' around and taking things in. Prior to my trip I began to have second doubts. I began to think even more about what my motives for moving are. When I got to Boston this time, I fell in love. If a person could truly have a mad crush on a place, this is it. This was very important as it helped me differentiate between my feelings about S, feelings about the boy, Detroit, moving and the whole mess of it. Finally, that part is clear. This move really is for me because I love Boston.

So, feeling like no one is giving me a chance because I'm not east coast enough or east coast monied enough has been a real blow. I felt so alive and independent when I was going about my business in the city and all I could think about was what torture it was to be in such a magnificent place, a place with such promise, and yet and I can't break through the "good old girls" network. I told my supervisor how happy I am to have her around today. And I absolutely meant it.

Perservere, I shall, but I'm afraid that hope is running out. How long can I sustain wanting to achieve a dream or a goal before it becomes unbearable? Yesterday, I really thought I'd hit the end of the road and would have been happy to be put out of my misery. Luckily, I'm too much of a chicken shit to inflict physical pain upon myself. I guess the mental stuff is bad enough. I feel like my work is the one thing I"m decent at, and if I can't count on that, what's left?

Not to mention, my luggage is somewhere in Chicago.

Reality Bites

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 22:34:36 GMT

Oh yes...and I also wanted to add that I'd really like for the "make up" dreams to stop. You know, the ones where S and I meet and somehow everything works itself out. You know, the furthest thing from reality. And of course, then I wake up and reality sets in...AGAIN.

Gross!

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 22:21:51 GMT

Why is it that I seem to inevitably run into people associated with ex's or the ex herself that I really wished would have dropped off the face of the earth? I guess that's always the way.

I was walking to my office today and this guy yells out at me "Michelle?" I corrected the name and he asked if I lived in Ann Arbor. Told him no, Ypsi. Then he proceeds to remind me that he was the stoner, fucked up, crazy ass roommate of some girl I had a fling with years ago. She of course now has two children and lives in some nasty part of the state now. This girl was one of those people I'd rather not be reminded of....the rebound fling. Plus, this guy always gave me the creeps. Now he's here working with kids who have cancer, teaching them martial arts. Perhaps he's cleaned himself up and got his brain together but I'm not totally convinced. ~~Please don't let him be a stalker~~.

Blech! Gross boys and the gross vibes they give off. I will return calls to my wholesome med student boy (the hoodie) and prosthesis man. Maybe then I'll feel better.

Rosa Parks

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 18:49:44 GMT

As I watch the television coverage, periodically throughout the day (and last night), I think to myself, "Maybe, this country handled something right for once." I will pay my respects at the cemetery today when I leave work. I feel lucky to have the opportunity to do so.

raisins

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 18:39:16 GMT

I am eating raisins. When the hell do I ever eat raisins? I don't think I even like raisins so much! I hate them in cookies, puddings, etc. For whatever reason they looked yummy when I was at Target last night.

I'm also being a bad employee and looking up information for my interviews next week, particularly the burns position. I am of course also having those second thoughts about Boston again...or is it fear of success? I can't tell. Maybe Philadelphia is more me. Grrr.... I think I'm having a mental disagreement with my therapist. I agree with her that S should be taken off the pedestal upon which I've put her. Besides, the girl is probably doing better than I am anyway. Taking S off the pedestal might actually really allow me to let others in...imagine that. I hope I can really let go of her 100% before I get to Boston. However, I don't like the notion that wanting to keep certain people in my life may somehow be an act of giving my power to them. People are important to me. I value them. Valuing someone isn't giving them your power. I will address this with her next week.

Eating more raisins.

The doctor who I've talked about, you know the one with the glasses? He's supposed to come to Ypsi on Saturday. Of course much mental weidness ensues in my brain. I've realized that being emo and conservative can actually be charactersitics embodied within the same person. Are there any liberals left? italianfemme is right, this country is on it's way to hell. I used to think, "Hey, what a great opportunity for change!" Perhaps I thought that when I was out of my mind in graduate school because now it just seems too far gone. Why did two people have to be nominated to the Supreme Court while this jackass is in office?

What would Laura Ingalls say about all this?