Dear S,

Happy (what would have been) 7th year anniversary (tomorrow)!  If only I could do it all over again and do it right this time.

I'm sorry again and again....

Sometimes I wonder if you'll ever know that.  I wonder if you'll ever see that I've changed because of how I treated you (for the better).  Sometimes I wonder if you even care anymore.  And sometimes, despite all this time, I can't believe you won't be in my future.

With much love and sorrow,

suz

Low lyrics by REM:

Dusk is dawn is day
Where did it go?
I've been laughing
Fast and slow
Moving in a still frame
Howling at the moon
Morning found me laughing
Up and down, down
Low low low
Night suits me fine
and morning suits me fine
I've been so happy
Way up high, high
In between
Down below
Low low low

I skipped the part about love
It seems so silly and low
Low low low
Low low low

I said the morning
It isn't your time
Barefoot naked
I can see your lines
It doesn't bother me
That you are right
Your grass is grassy wet
Your light white is bright
Light white light

I skipped the part about love
It seems so shallow and low
Low low low
Low low low

You and me
We know about time
We know how things go
They come and go
They live and grow
They pass and go
And glow and glow
Up and down
High and low
Low low low
Low low low

I skipped the part about love
It seems so silly and low
I skipped the part about love
It seems so shallow and low
Low low low
Low low low

I like your hands
All full of glory
All full of glory

All my life this has been my absolute favorite time of year.  All the smells, sounds, sights, tastes, everything.  It feels so warm and inviting, despite the snow outside.

The last two years, I would have preferred digging a hole and burying myself in it until January 2nd.  It's at these times, and really only at these times, that I wish I actually enjoyed being with my family.  Or at least I wish I had someone to come home to after being with them. 

To make matters worse, new boy of interest is having doubts about the whole "you like girls too" factor.  And I thought missing a leg might be an obstacle in any of my potential relationships!  I'm not sure what I can do in the way of easing his worries other than just sticking around.

whoa!

what time is it?

Maybe it's denial but I'd prefer to call it self-preservation, or even better, just moving on and being happy for someone you love(d).  When I first heard the news of S and her gf it was a real shock, if for no other reason because of the cirumstances of their meeting.  Within a few days, it had sort of floated to the back of my mind.  It would come up now and again, but it's was sort of an abstract thought that I didn't dwell on.

More recently, the dreams about them being together have started and they feel very real.  I seriously feel like I've been punched in the face when I wake up.  I don't know if it's the trip to Boston, my general dissatisfaction with my plan to move, or what, but suddenly it's in my face.  It's like I wake up and realize that it is real and that I've been ousted...or that I set it up so I would be ousted. Because it seems like reality and it's so yucky it sticks in my head during the hours I'm awake now.

I think what so much of it is also is that I feel so inferior compared to the now gf.  I don't ride bikes, I can't hike forever, I don't make enough money, I'm not as smart or as sophisticated and on and on.  That's the part that hurts the most.  Knowing that I look like shit in comparison and believing that I am.  I don't mean to sound like "poor me" but really, how is it not true?  It is what it is and it stings like hell.

It leaves me feeling a bit sick and a lot sad.  Once again, I'm pissed off at myself for being so stupid. 

Yummy...even if they are pillows!

librarian

geek

many similar interests, but not so similar that we'd bore each other

intelligent

shy

eyeglass...of course

funny

nice...so far

responsive

so one might ask, "what's eating at you?" truthfully, i'm scared to death about really trusting myself again. a friend suggested that i put out S's photo and look at it in those times of temptation. at the age of 32 i still sometimes feel like i deal with stuff that could be taken from an entry of "Are You There God? It's Me Margaret." i haven't even really started seeing this boy but i just get the feeling i could do some harm if i don't watch myself.

i don't want to be that girl anymore, the girl who caused so much unnecessary pain, but sometimes it's so easy to slip into frame of mind. in the big picture, i want stability, a person who loves me, equally, all that good stuff. but then i get scared, like i'm missing out on someone or someplace. and if that person or place becomes available, i still don't know if i can keep it together. perhaps i'm just having exaggerated normal fears, but after all this time of feeling bad shouldn't i never have to think about this stuff again? for the first time in two years, i might have met someone pretty fabulous who maybe thinks i'm a cool gal, yet i am already worried.